Now don’t you understand
That I’m never changing who I am
Don’t you tell me what you think that I could be
I’m the one at the sail, I’m the master of my sea
When the day has come
That I’ve lost my way around
And the seasons stop and hide beneath the ground
When the sky turns grey
And everything is screaming
I will reach inside
Just to find my heart is beating
And I know it’s hard when you’re falling down
And it’s a long way up when you hit the ground
Get up now, get up, get up now
I had one of the most magical nights of my life last night. I watched and heard Imagine Dragons live. They were brilliant, and I have so much respect for them for the messages they choose to convey with their music.
A part of me has always resonated with the music Imagine Dragons produce.
Demons used to be the only song I’d listen to, for weeks. Till now it’s a song I listen to for therapy, when I feel the darkness inside of me trying to creep out.
Monster expresses the internal battle I’ve been waging for ages, the battle I’ve always been trying to shy away from. The need to break away from the constraints and definements of society, to become who I really feel inside, to express myself truly to the world, and the difficulties I’ve faced in doing so. The fear that people would judge me for who I am, that when I opened up to them they would despise me for my flaws.
It’s Time, On Top of The World, Believer, Rise Up, Walking the Wire and more, give me courage to finally face my fears and start afresh. They’re the songs I want to keep listening to in 2018, to remind myself of who I really am inside and who I can be – someone brave and strong, who embraces her weaknesses and fears, who always aspires to be better and to live life fully.
When Dan sang It’s Time, I felt an unbelievable surge of courage that filled me with a hope so precious and inexpressible. The line “I’m never changing who I am” struck a chord within me to stay true to who I really am, and to what my soul represents. In the last few months of 2017, I’ve been miserable. I didn’t like the person I’d become in the past year – someone who shied away from responsibility and commitments, who hid from everything she feared, who didn’t dare embrace her weaknesses and be vulnerable in front of others, who remained stagnant because of all that. I was so afraid of everything – trying anything new, committing to something I signed up for, speaking in class, meeting new people, going for a school formal dinner, even consultations with a nice professor, they all incited fear and/or dread in me. I stuck with everything comfortable, lost sight of any purpose to strive, lamented the meaninglessness of life. Where was my love for life, the joie de vivre I’d always found beautiful and wanted to embody?
I made a pact with a friend, who’d also been through a challenging 2017, to do better together in 2018. I want 2018 to be a year of change. I know it’s such a cliched thing to say, but I truly mean it from the depths of my heart. I want to remember and honour this promise I made to myself.
New year resolutions aren’t anything new to me. I’ve made them, kept to a couple of them, broken a ton of them. But I just know that this year isn’t like any other. It’s not the meaningless, frivolous “I’m going to exercise regularly and eat healthy” or “I’m going to get straight As”. It’s something so entirely different, a mindset and attitude I want to change deep within me rather than another accomplishment I want to achieve. And I’ve never felt so fucking afraid of a new year before. I’m so afraid because this time I’m really going to face the fears that have been inhibiting me from being who I want to be. Each time I think about facing the fears that I’ve wanted time and time again to overcome but always fall short of, my heart clenches and my mind just freezes for a second because it’s just so fucking terrifying. These fears have dictated my life for ages and I’ve let my comfort zone shrink so much, that now I’m more fearful than ever. It’s like I’ve been drifting on a fragmenting raft, stranded in the middle of nowhere. All the while, pieces of the raft keep falling off, yet I’ve still been helplessly awaiting someone or something to get me out of this predicament, hoping beyond measure that my own weight and the crashing waves wouldn’t disintegrate my tiny, fragile safe zone into nothing.
Amsterdam describes my situation perfectly. I’ve lied to those around me to get them to believe I’m doing okay, not wanting to let them down. I’ve sought solace in those who’re going through similar struggles; they’re the only people I can turn to, and yet we can’t help each other because we’re all knee-deep in and running away from our own fears. Even as I tell others that they’ll be okay as long as they keep pushing on, I’m not convinced because of my own failed attempts.
Your time will come if you wait for it, if you wait for it
It’s hard, believe me… I’ve tried
But I won’t wait much longer ‘cause these walls they’re crashing down
No I won’t wait much longer ‘cause these walls they’re crashing down
And I keep coming up short
But I’m done clinging on to safety. I could possibly survive staying on this raft till the end, but that’s not the life I want for myself and it’s not the person I want to be. Instead, I’m going to dive into the ocean. Whatever monsters are lurking beneath the surface, I’m going to face them and battle my way out.
I wish so badly that when I look back at this post at the end of 2018, I’ll no longer feel the fear grappling me, but rather feel proud of myself because of how far I’ve come. It still feels like a faraway dream now. But I know it’s reachable.
P.S. I’ve added the Youtube links to the songs I mentioned above. Who knows, Imagine Dragons might be your next favourite band? 😉